17.10.2011, 16:20
palblog :: Blast from the Past #321: August 13, 2004 Re: Ep. 92 outline, Ep. 93 premise, first draft of Ep. 88, and Ep. 89 first draft :: 17.10.2011 16:19
Subj: comments on the first draft of Ep. 88.
Date: Friday, August 13, 2004 1:13:50 PM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine
Lloyd,
Here are my comments on the first draft of Ep. 88.
1.) Re: the following:
"LEONARDO
Two words and two words only … Purple Dragons."
The "tough guy" phrasing here sounds more like Raph, not Leo. I'd just have him say "Purple Dragons..."
2.) Re: the following:
"
SPLINTER (CONT’D)
Because assuredly you would simple sneak out later when my back was turned. Would you not?"
I think that should be "simply" instead of "simple".
3.) Re: the following:
"SPLINTER stands to face his sons.
SPLINTER
Better that I simply say go … and be careful."
I can't recall any time in an earlier script when Splinter gives this kind of leave to the Turtles to go out and get into trouble, and it might be a good time to have one of them comment on it, on the idea that Splinter is starting to treat them like responsible young adults.
4.) Re: the following:
"WIDER STILL TO SHOW the very angry/determined Leonardo and Raphael with their weapons pointed right at Hun.
RAPHAEL
Yeah, you’re gonna be through …
LEONARDO
Run through."
I know we're still doing "angry Leo", but this seems pretty explicitly brutal -- "run through" means Leo is going to shove his swords through Hun's body. Do we REALLY want to say that?
5.) Re: the following:
"Donatello is pissed and reverses the rockets on the BattleShell and …
DONATELLO
Get off my tail!"
Minor point, but... would "shell" be better than "tail" here?
6.) Re: the following:
"CASEY (O.C. CONT’D)
For you did to me and mine."
Should that be "For WHAT you did to me and mine"?
-- Pete
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